Thursday, January 7, 2010

Story of a Life - (Blog-a-ton 6)

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 6; the fifth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.



As I sit and think about my life, I can't stop ask myself
'What went wrong?'
A race you are taking part in not a run in the park, my mom kept reminding me. I kept telling her
'I am not part of any race' and chose to walk but little did I know, unwillingly and unknowingly I was part of the race. The people I had started out with were far ahead out of sight. I look around the rocks at the bottom I sit on, there seems to nobody around. A sense of loneliness engulfs me.

I can still hear mom downstairs on phone with another psychiatrist, the last two had the same thing to say
"Study harder, put in more effort"
All I told them both was
"How much harder?"

I hold my pencil and look down at my marks sheet; Pass reads one subject out of the six. I change the 8/100 to 80/100. The marks sheet does look better now.
"was I this bad always?"
The answer is a hopeless yes. I even hold a record for not having passed a single exam in high school; I was pushed to the next year with dad begging and principal sympathising. It was a miracle I passed my board exam.
"If I was so bad, then why did I agree to take up engineering?"
I just didn't know what else to do, everyone was running after engineering I moved where the herd moved. Dad also wanted me to do engineering, he readily agreed to pay the hefty fee.
'Life seems less complicated when you have people to blame your failures on.'

I knew what I was bad at, but just didn't know what I was good at.
"Is that the worst curse" I often ask myself.

There is a small laugh each time I think, a laugh at myself, a laugh at the irony that I always wanted to stand apart from the crowd, wanted to do things bigger and better than all the other jokers out there.
I write with my pencil on the marks sheet
'BIGGER N BETTER'
I smirk "I have stood apart for sure. Nobody has failed engineering as many times as I have."

'I am in love with the subjects, that is the reason I am studying it over and over again' I laugh each time my relatives ask me 'why are you failing?'
I walk away from them with a fake laugh bursting on my face and trying hard to hold back a tear ready to flow from my eye.

Out of irritation I pick up a book and throw at the fan making a squeaking sound.
Even a small flutter of the curtain irritates me now. I clench my fist, grind my teeth and punch the walls, sometimes I shout out to dark empty corners of my room. I avoid mirrors, but each time I look at my image I ask myself
'have I lost my mind, am I still sane?'
Frustration, Irritation and Anger seem to have become my companions over the past couple of years. I now run another race; a race to get away from the trio.

I hear mom requesting dad to keep his voice low. She fears I might kill myself due to depression, but the truth is I don't have the guts to take my life. I have tried I confess, each time I held the blade or was up on the terrace I just couldn't take the final step. I came running back telling myself
"Not bad dude, you even failed at this. Now thats consistency."

"Oh is that what he keeps telling you, let him die. The amount of shame he has put us through, if I were in his place I would have killed myself." dad's voice echos in my room.
I throw away the pencil, tear up the marks sheet and turn to my computer to get away from it all, to travel to a far away world.
A world where the Voices in my Head makes me feel better about myself.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

38 comments:

MADHU RAO | (INDImag.COM) said...

Chittar, that was powerful. Tell me it's fiction and not your story. Powerful and moving, I liked the end and that the protagonist chose to seek solace in the virtual world..

Saurabh Panshikar said...

Stunning...
Hard Hitting...
Splendid...

Nicely written dude. Story of life of some ppl I know...

Megha said...

So vivid...you got all the emaotions just right...

pushpee said...

nice, n poignant :))

Shahid Mukadam said...

very beautiful.....This is a result of the current education system which is more like a herd culture. Nice story, really touching

Shahid

Tavish Chadha said...

very powerful hard hitting... could feel every emotion as i read it...

cheers!
Tavish
Latest blog post:All in a day's work part 2 - (blog-a-ton 6)

Neti said...

hey Harsha,

this was an awesome post...loved it :)

Neha

aativas said...

Powerful story. So many students around commit suicide every year due to wrong choices, inability to face pressures and not knowing what they are good at. You have captured their plight very well.

Harsha Chittar said...

Hello to all
@Madhu: It is inspired a little not a complete fiction. Everyone tries to seek peace outside their life and the virtual world has taken in people with love and affection :)
@Saurabh: Thanks dude yes it sure is the story of quite a few people.
@Megha: Thanks Megha please do keep visiting :)
@Pushpee: Thank you and good to see you here again :)

Harsha Chittar said...

@Shahid: I don't know if it is the system or if it is just us dude. Thank for your comment do keep visiting :)
@Tavish: Thanks brother liked your post too :)
@Neti: Thank you Neha
@Aativas: Thank you, I sometimes blame ourself for not thinking through with our choices.

kavya said...

That was tear jerking....maybe cause I relate to it on a different dimension...so true abt seeking solace in the virtual world....some mask to wear...

Dreamer said...

Very touching.

SiD said...

Dude that was very emotional bro...wondering if it is inspired from some real life???

Shilpa Garg said...

Oh that was Strikingly Impressive!!
Very well expressed!!

"I knew what I was bad at, but just didn't know what I was good at".... will stay with me!!

Roshmi Sinha said...

Touching, impressive, powerful and hard hitting. Very well written...

Karthik said...

I could relate to this to some extent, Harsha. But I'm really glad it ended on a positive note. And the thing about virtual environment; so true.
Liked the narration very much.
All the best!
Cheerios!

Nikhil Patokar said...

Hats Off...

Nethra said...

Well! Your words portrayed the depression and frustration very well. I too feel like a loser sometimes, but we got to keep life going.
Nice post! :)

pra said...

Good story Harsha. Right from heart to the heart! Yes we all try to find solace in this virtual world! Very emotional.

Talking Skull said...

Hi Harsha,

A very engaging read. However much we hate this, but this is what reflects the reality today.

The world is soaked in capitalism and materialistic pursuits. There is no running away from it...

Harsha Chittar said...

@Kavya: good know my story touched you in some way :)
@Dreamer: Thank you
@Sid: Inspired a little, look around you will sure find such people.
@Shilpa: Thank you, it always a good feeling when a reader says a line will stay with them :)
@Roshmi: Thank you, you are as always nice to me with your comments :)

Harsha Chittar said...

@Karthik: Thanks bro glad to know a fab writer like you likes the narration :)
@Nikhil: Thank you.
@Nethra: very true & well said.
@pra: Thank you please do keep visiting :)
@Talking skull: I kinda agree with you...

JustAnother said...

couldn't agree more about the virtual world being far better than the real world.
lovely!

Shruti said...

It was awesome! Seeking solace in the virtual world, the end of the story is beautiful!

Really wonderful. I understood the meaning of narration here!

pawan said...

I loved this piece. As an engineering student who has his heart somewhere else, I can feel the emo quotient in this post better than anyone else.
Good way of expressing mate:)

Who knows? This time around too I might vote for you :)

neeraj said...

Harsha, that was a good one! Seems like it is inspired from FPS or 3i ;-) A nice writeup indeed!

Makk said...

Bravo dude!

Keep it up!

The West Wind said...

Very powerful yet realistic.. I know so many who go through the same agony. Amazing post..

geeta said...

fabulous,awesome....

Quality work.


Geeta

dilontherocks said...

Wow Harsha,,Thats a sad and true story..very well writtten. I could feel for the guy...

gkam said...

Powerful.
Emotions have been nicely captured.
Nicely done.
Good luck for BATOM6! :)

Harsha Chittar said...

@Justanother: Ya it sure is at times better than real world.
@Shruti: Thank you, as always you are being kind. Do keep visiting :)
@Pawan: Hoping you will vote :)
@Neeraj: Inspired from life around me actually :)
@Makk: Thanks bro
@Westwind: Thank you for your kind words, do keep visiting.
@Geetha: Thank you Geetha, nothing feels better than the readers saying 'quality work' :)

Harsha Chittar said...

@dilontherocks: Ya kinda sad story it sure is.
@gkam: Thank you please do keep visiting the blog :)

Mahesh Kalaal said...

woww,..........splendid.....so plain but very impacting....

I knew what I was bad at, but just didn't know what I was good at..... loved this line. It said many unsaid things.

wil consider it for voting....

Yemiledu said...

Amazingly written.
Loved it so much!
:~)

The West Wind said...

Your posts are amazing I am priviledged to have the opportunity to read them.

Harsha Chittar said...

@Mahesh: Thank you Mahesh, i am glad the story made an impact with you.
@Yemiledu: Thank you there is nothing better than reading such lovely comments
@TheWestWind: I am honoured to have you reading my posts, I don't really know you but your comment will stay with me forever. Thank you

Tuppence said...

simple stuff but very well written.